Roughly five years ago I came very close to ending my life. I was found unconscious on the floor and rushed to the hospital. After I awoke and the drugs were filtered out of my system I spent roughly a month in a psych ward.
Since then I have come very close to attempting suicide again, but I haven’t. Sometimes I went back to the hospital and other times I just… I don’t know. I haven’t tried.
Many things have happened in the last five years that wouldn’t have happened had I died. Good things. My book for example. I wrote a book, and it got published and people have bought it. Maybe that is how you found this website. Its crazy to think that out there strangers, people I’ll never meet, have purchased my book and read it and now know very personal details about me. But more than that, knowing God is using it, using my life.
Still the thought remains that had I died I’d be in Heaven. I’ve experienced plenty of good things in the last five years, but I’ve also had hard times and episodes of severe depression.
I tend to shy away from the question of if I’m happy that I’m alive, that I didn’t die. Because I don’t know. And it doesn’t change the fact that I am alive. This blog is about wrestling out that answer.